Sometimes life is all about the moments....
Cafe latte. Journal. Friday morning. Alone in Oslo. Bam!! #lifeisgood
But...
My head was pounding. I had hammers and nails massaging my forehead. Nothing new, to be honest, but really, in Oslo? I finished quickly, strolled the streets for a bit before I gave in and headed back to my hotel room.
I landed on the heated bathroom floor. I crumbled up and felt how my makeup rolled off my face along with disappointment.
And at that moment, life was NOT all about the moments at all.
It was about wholeness; the general well-being and living a life that supports your values and your health. Cappuccinos and café-flirts are moments to remember, but still, they mean nothing to a broken body.
Headache can hit all of us and it's not dangerous. But to me, it's more than a headache, and that is where this becomes something worth sharing….
We all know we need to take care of ourselves. Like in the airplane - Assist yourself first before helping your children. We know we need to love ourselves first. We know we need to rest, breathe, and take walks in the woods…
The clue is: we function differently and we need different things. It takes time, not only a doctor or a friend with good advice, to realize whether we are taking care of ourselves or not, and what to do about it.
From the outside, I do great. I take breaks, I take walks, I have a long calm breakfast with candles and journaling, I work out, I eat peanut butter with a spoon when no-one sees me, and besides that, I fill my body with protein and fiber.
Yet, my body is aching in different ways at inconvenient times. My thoughts can't quite think whole sentences and my mind won't sleep. I am scared and I'm tired. The walls are spinning around me. I AM living a good life and best of all:
I am not lost. But...
I've been doing something which has made Eli leave me. She's on holiday somewhere…. and now I miss her. I miss the Eli with energy, motivation, positivity, and clear ideas of who to be and how to become. I miss my values and I miss following them.
For me, I think my headache and everything else is a result of not giving myself the joy I seek, the actions I value and the right kind of rest.
I am grateful for those moments when my body crashes to the ground and I'm reminded that cappuccinos in a cozy cafés with dimmed lights only makes me last so long. Candles and a glasses of wine. Long walks and morning-yoga; It definitely brings a whole bunch of meaning and value to my life,
but what if I can make the wholeness - the general feeling of wellbeing - bring value to the moments instead...?
What do I need? I don’t know. I am on a sick-leave right now and 'working hard' to relax, and to figure out what I need to do or not do. I want to wake up and feel like I have something to give. And I want to drink cappuccino knowing that it's only the "dessert" of my life, not the main meal...and I hope that will happen soon!
Enough metaphors... and to the point
If you are like me, seeking out good moments to cover up a broken wholeness, what about you join me on this ride of "bringing ourselves back from holiday" and creating a good whole rather than good moments?
((Well, maybe I’m just high on coffins and ibuprofen when writing this, and maybe it's just rambling... But to me, it's a cleansing ramble, and I hope these reflections gave something little to you too)).
