© 2016 Eli Gauden 

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He crushed me

August 5, 2017

Being in Valencia again allows me to think and write, and clear my mind.. By coming down here I purposely stepped intro trouble, only so I would be able to walk back out...stronger and happier. Having the time to write it out and let my thoughts make up the strangest metaphors and then make sense of it...that's how I deal and feel like I grow and give meaning to things. In this moment I feel like I learn things which can't be taught by other's experiences, I've got to walk through it myself..  Here's today's writing: 

 

He crushed me. Completely. Thousand pieces. I gave him a new chance to re-build me. He didn’t. So I rebuilt myself. Glued together the broken pieces with positivity and belief. Then he crushed me again. A hurricane of empty words threw me against the wall. He will learn, I thought, and gave him another chance to re-build me. He didn’t. So I re-built myself. Pasted the broken pieces together with tears and hope. It’s probably my fault, I thought, and kept trying. But many more times he crushed me. Many more times I fell to the floor, with the sounds of thunder. My disappointment and weakness pouring out and into the cracks. A river of what once was a person. Then, one day he crushed me one last time. I knew it was the last time. I knew it had to end if I ever wanted to learn how to walk again. I had hoped, using my last chunk of positive thinking, that maybe we could crush each other together, with love. Like a firework of colors and magic that then would turn to memories and silence. But no, he crushed me like every time before. With lack of words. Eyes which doesn’t see. A heart which won’t feel. Feet which only walks its own path. And I had to finally learn that after all; he is someone who will not and can not see me like I need to be seen. And it breaks me to admit it; to finally admit that he’s a lost case; he can’t be saved. I won’t be he’s savior. Yes he crushed me this  one last time. But this time I won’t ask him to re-build me. And I won’t build myself either, with those worn-out pieces of the past. This time I need to ask for help; I need to be built by the laughter of people who can share a joke with me, by the smiles of the people who smile from their inside, with the eyes of the people who sees, and with the words of people who dare to share their truths. With those people who have been there, who has waited, while I was lost in this lego-game of crushing and re-building… That’s how I will have to be built again. And I promise, I will give back. I won’t steal anyone's smiles and love for the sake of forgetting… No, I will use it to heal, and finally be someone who have something to give back. It will come. Crushing is done.

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