Sometimes I think… I think a lot. I get deep and emotional. I get even deeper and feel wise. But then I feel stupid. What’s the purpose of thinking and solving problems; coming up with smart ways to express emotional patterns of the human brain? Humanity is only a grain a of sand seen in relation to what’s around it Why should feelings matter? Why do we share so much about our own thoughts and believes? And for God’s sake, why am I writing this paper?
See, now I’m going crazy. I start thinking about the universe and what’s outside it and the definitions of nothing and what’s outside the end and so on… And now nothing make sense. But the philosopher Eli is hard to ignore, nor can’t the emotional songwriter and communicator inside me. I only got this one life and choose to ponder,(and go crazy) but in yet, turn time, space and feelings, to meaning and purpose. Cuase the case is this; LIFE FACINATES ME. IT’S SUCH A WONDERFUL JOURNEY and it keeps fascinating me every day. Every aspect of it.
I believe we’ve all been in a situation or a moment where life/earth/living (may it be nature, a person, a feeling etc..) appears so flawless and pure and real that it takes our breath away and nothing else matter. That is the feeling I have when I watch the ocean hit the shore an early summer morning by “my beach” at home. It that takes my breath away. It fascinates me. Every day. It builds my hope and belief for the future, and reminds me what love means to me.
But tears fascinate me too. Pain. Struggle. Darkness. The blues. The lying on the bathroom floor unable to breath while your floor sparkles of heavy salty tears. The dark blue circles around my young 25-year old face. When clouds, haze, and confusion cover you mind like a carpet of protectionYes, this fascinates me.. It fascinates me how an action from someone or something can turn to emotions which makes my whole body ache and shake, the heart sink to my feet, my shoulder lean forward, and my face turn shaded from black mascara. Pain is an incredible interesting phenomena.
Yes, the last few months have given me a big deep ocean of tears and a few handful kitchen knives in my heart. It is for reasons I did not predict, and yet can’t quite understand, but it happened. It doesn’t feel good, but it does truly amaze me. As bitter as it may be and as broken I may feel, I will save those tears and those breathless moments. I will place them in my Life-Folder named Experience-Folder. I will feel it till I finally start feeling other things, then accept it, and then nicely save it, remember what it did to me, and see how it can help me in the future.
On the other side, the year has been filled with smiles; From friends, from people I pass every day, my neighbors, from the baristas at my regular coffee shops. And there are the laughs. There are the sunrises I was able to squeeze in to a busy schedule. There are the café con leche. There is appreciation. And THESE are the things which goes in the MEMORY Folder. These things is what I will think of when I think of Valencia. The tears are what I will learn from, but the smiles are what will keep me smiling and what will make me recommend Valencia as travel destination to anyone who ask.
Then there are also school, work and career That comes last. Although it’s how I spent my entire day, it still comes last. (What is work and music if I don’t have those smiles?) But it sure is important. It’s constant steps towards the future, and comes under my INVESTMENT Folder. I’m investing in time in something I believe is how I wish to make a difference in the world (on an internal or external level…either may be as valuable)
So now I feel stupid again for analyzing my mind so down to the tiniest details. But it’s fun, ain’t it? It’s therapeutic, as I sit here on KLM Aircraft on my way to home. It clears the cluster a little, put one and one together.. and maybe, if I’m lucky, it does the same to you.
I’m at Amsterdam airport now. I watch the flights through the windows. KLM has these big orange posters outside. One says “Family reunion, here I come”. “World, here I come” “Honeymoon suite, here I come”. I smile. Ya, there’s something about airports that always make me appreciate where I’m coming from and where I’m going.
And this time I feel lucky. The place I’m leaving has also turned into my home. Despite everything, and trust me, there’s been a lot…despite everything, I feel so appreciative for having lived in Spain and for having these 8 months as part of my life. Why? It’s something about the experience of trying to find a home in a familiar yet new and different culture. Trying to make the old men with newspapers and cigars look at me as a local, not a tourist. Pacing my way through the city as if it was my own. The slow Spanish pace of life. The café con leche. The croissant. The tapas…. No I can’t really explain.. But I feel SO thankful for whoever or whatever that made Valencia feel like a home to me.
I’m not ready to leave and I’m not ready to come home.. Yet it’s also time for a change and I also can not wait to be where my heart truly lingers. I feel torn but strong, I feel confused but experienced. I feel educated …well, not really..but I feel free!
Why am I so positive? I’m not usually this positive on airports. What’s going on with me?
Ay, doesn’t matter. I love feeling what I feel and ponder about it in and out and up and down.. hm, No wonder why I’m an artists!