So I guess I must learn how to walk after all. I can’t just know it. I can’t walk without learning it. I can’t learn by being told to know; being told how to do it. I must do it. What that means is that I will also have to fall. I used to blame myself for falling, for not learning from other’s mistakes and years of walking. But little by little it seems to show that certain aspects of walking have to be learned by first doing it the wrong way.
My mum have always told me to walk with my heal first, then let the foot roll, yeah just like the Indians used to walk. “Yes” I would say. “Whatever” I would think, and walk my own way. In the same way she will also tell me if she thinks I’m taking a wrong choice. She’ll say “I don’t think that is the right way to prioritize your money now”, “you should live at home for a while and get back up on your feet”, or “this man is not good for you”. I will hear it, but question it. I know myself better then anyone else, how can I trust other’s judgement and advise? And I believe this way of thinking is human. We just have to try walking those paths which are not recommended and told to hurt our feet. As much as you know your mama is always right, you still got to walk your own way. With toes first, with one foot, crawling….
And then, clearly, it starts hurting. It hurts and you feel weak so you keep pushing to feel stronger… but then you fall. Down on the ground like Bambie herself. Feet goes north, south, east and west, and your body is a heavy potato in the middle. And now you think you’ll never walk that way again. But as the pain starts healing and your mind and heart forget, you give it another shot.…with same result! Smashed to the ground. Feet out all directions. You can’t move.
Yes, it takes a few tries before I know, and have learned, that this is after all not the right way to walk. And it will take a while to heal those broken bones and open scars of mine. And it takes a while till I can walk properly. Many more times I will stumble and fall and fall in my stumble. Many more times I will yell at myself “why can’t you just walk straight, for god’s sake?” But I do also see that it takes the time it takes; to try and fail and find my way. I do know my mum was right from the beginning, no doubt about that.. But if I want to learn how to walk, and know for sure this is the way, I simply have to do it myself.
One step at a time.