I'm thinking again. Again I'm fascinated by my own confusion. I'm in wonder mode and expression land. I'm in a universe of math, where X and Y is Why and How. Some say that overthinking leads to unnecessary stress and confusion. "Just take it slow and accept life" they say. I believe that overthinking(in the end) may lead to a slow and accepted life, but through the lens of understanding and respect for myself and living.
You know; we are all familiar with how humans work; we are one of them. We know anger, love, lust, delight, frustration, and much more. But we can not always put words to it. We can not always understand why we feel these things. Digging in my own brain, finding words, making meaning, and pretend that I'm smart…to me, that makes one and one become two. It may make me stressed and confused, but it also gives answers.
And today I'm thinking about emotion.
What fascinates me the most about humans, and the reason why I like writing, is….emotions. Emotions blow my mind. Not just the extreme differences in how they make us feel and what triggers them, but also how rapid you can go from one to the another.
I'll be honest. I myself am a true victim of rapid mood changes. I know what it feels like to, within an hour, want to not live, then what to conquer the world with you music, then hating you music, then wanting to not live again, then decide that life is worth living after all, but to leave music and study farming instead. Yes, all within one hour. Every day. And yes, I'm an artist, and "artist's soul" is a real thing. But I won't use that as an "excuse" for my extreme moods. It goes deeper then that ...
It's exhausting though. It drains you. The good thing is: When I'm on top of it, floating over tha happy hills, then I'm able to look at the downhills and go "oh wow, how did that happen?". I'm able to see how crazy it is that I can feel all those things, and I'm able to observe what tiny little events that triggers them. As frustrating as emotions may be, I find this observation extremely exciting and interesting.
Yes, you're right. Maybe it'd be better to NOT have extreme mood changes, or to find a way to stabilize your mood. Mindfulness, breathing, positive thinking…. I'm 26. I'm pretty adult. While I'm still a rover on the roads of wonder, I have friends who are life couches, therapists, yoga instructors, teachers, and much more. I look at them in awe. I envy them. Sometimes I frown, looking at these highly successful people compared to this deep, blue, unpredictable me. But., actually... if I want to, I know I can be like them. I know I can go to a Buddha camp in India a learn how to cross my legs. I know I can study therapy or teaching. More importantly, I know that learning how to recognize your breath, is something anyone can do, anywhere. And I'm working on that. I'm pretty bad, but I'm working on it.
Meanwhile I'm enjoying(sometimes) having the honor of being introduced to countless emotions every day. Feeling high and low and absolutely crazy. Being a person with need for creative expression is definitely quite something. It's I.N.T.E.N.S.E….But like other suffering and pain, it leads to pleasure in the end.