I can see it in people's face when the question is on the way. I can hear it in their long breath, and feel it in their presence. I send a quick millisecond prayer to the Lords, begging to be wrong. But no, the question comes anyways. ALL the time.
"So what are you gonna do this fall?"
In an attempt to not throw up in frustration, disappointment and fear, I mumble "ehh mm you know, Im just gonna, kinda just take a day at time, and you know, just see what happens, play some music and you know… "
Ah, I'm helpless. If only I could fake it, or at least give my answer with confidence. Or what about, "I don't know yet"…. It's the second year in a row I've given that same answer. I was sure I would have found my path by now. The disappointment of still feeling as unsettled as before, is huge and heartbreaking.
Luckily, life gives us lessons every single day. Often you don't see them. And sometimes they sum up, and you don't get the message of the lesson till the end of the chapter. Sometimes you get bits and bites of knowledge here and there. You might not see it, but they are all rocks of knowledge to build our paths or lives. However, one doesn't build a path over night. Similarly:
"How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
No, I am not happy with going into another fall with no set plans. However from what I've learned the last year, I just got to take one bite of the elephant at a time and that itself will lead me somewhere….right?
I've tried to eat it all in one bite. Over and over. And I've disappointed myself over and over. Clearly I need to use a different approach. It's easier said then done for someone who just want to achieve, feel alive, surf through, dance on pink clouds..
Today I have cleaned my room, emptied my inbox, paid my bills, and wrote a list of achievable goals to reach and bad habits to break. This fall I will take one bite of "the elephant" at a time. Hopefully I will little by little, be able to shape and share my music with success for my listeners and myself.
(Here's to feeling helpless but free and loving rain and summer and my white butt)