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Music; A mission


I don't want to make up stories without purpose. I don't want to be smart. Don’t want to be noisy in a loud world. I just want to be. A distinctive voice in a noisy world.

I have lived for 28 years. I have felt a lot. To the point where the pain is equal have I felt your pain. I have been that smallest creature with the biggest shame. That speechless ghost with the most to say.

But I have also been the lady in red with the wildest dreams, firework, and real old fashion girl power. Though, also that has crashed to the grown and turned to dust.

Ain't no mountain high enough is roaming around as the international anthem of truth. But some of us turn around halfway up the mountain, and declare ourselves weak. Weak for what? Weak for aiming for the highest top? For not cheating our way up with ski lifts or electrical bicycles? For being strong just a little too long? For listening to a sore body?

The body is the soul…soul is "I"

I once climbed a mountain, called Mount Education. I did not know pain had a voice. I pushed it away till I finally reached the top on graduation day. "Made it" I screamed and lifted my head to enjoy the view. Fog. Four years of fog. Thick fog laid heavily over my confidence, my will power, 'my once upon a time'-friends, my ambitions. Mount Education; all for no-one but me.

I admire those who reach the top, but who's chosen the steps purposely. Who knows when to walk and when to pause. Who has let their steps been fueled by the moments in between. The love someone feels when you give them your lunchbreak.

I haven't know how to do that…

I am the CEO of a business called 'me'. I have no mission statement, make new plans every day, and have no education on leadership. I've simply set a goal and told my employers to work. My fingers, my toes, my heart, my head, my stomach, my breath. Little by little they've all started aching. And one by one they've been sent on a sick leaf. Alone in the office, I keep the biz running. Make sure it looks impressive from the outside and pretend we're constantly advancing and making leaps. But the truth is, it is only me and a whirlwind of faded dreams on empty papers.

I have cried in the shadows of roasted lamb on Christmas eve. I have hidden behind my bigger brothers on family photos. I have begged for someone to burn down my business. Cut my guitar-fingers off. I have been called unappreciative and ego-centric, while I felt caught inside unappreciation and ego-land. It's a prison.

But you don't stay in prisons forever…

On the other side, I've been handed everlasting love. From a few individuals who didn’t give up on a girl lost in her own brain fog. Those who held me close to the path. Showed me laughter and brought me back to my own voice. Who looked into my eyes not at my eyes. Leaders. Apprentices of something better.

Those are the people who remind me who I want to be

I don’t know how to be a me between all other mes. A me who is someone with and for you. But that is what I want. I do neither have more knowledge nor experience than you, yet I want to raise my voice. I want to lead us in a good direction. I want us to master the strengths of weakness and the weaknesses of strengths. I want to be someone who gives my pauses to those around me, and climbs the mountain with consciousness. Who reach the top and look out on a clear view and all the people I met along the way.

I don’t know how to do it but this is my story and where my music comes from.

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