It feels like I've been aiming for the highest mountain with only one foot. Like I've tried to build a house without tools. Like I've tried to drive a car without hands….
Getting this career and life rolling...
It's close to three years since I finished college and moved back home to "kickstart" my career. I wrote down my one-week-goal, my 3-month-goal, my 6-month-goal, and my 2-years-goal…
But I never followed up.
Every couple of months I'd write the lists once again. I'd see the plans, goals, and dreams black on white. But again... It became new years resolutions I was not able to keep, just that it was new-day resolutions I broke the second I left my bed.
Despite how hard I worked, every day I lived, the shows I played, the friends I made, and songs I wrote, I felt like I truly didn't give my all.
I didn't work as hard as I wanted to, write as well as I know I can, to get as far as I know I could.
While hiding my own disappointment in a constant business, I have felt like something is holding me back and guiding me unto other people's dreams. Slowly, I've started to see links back to my younger years, to my mental health, to the physical me, to traits with my personality, and how related everything is.
Well, maybe I started to realize that I can't climb the highest mountain with one leg. I need to find a way to build the second one first.... This leads me to the point:
Two weeks ago I had a cerebral infarction/stroke. A mild one, I think.
Besides the fact that I'm scared and confused, this condition is allowing me to once and for all put my foot down and say "life first". After blaming my stupid headache and clustered thoughts for holding me back, and after holding my breath trying to not let disappointment break me, I can finally say "Ok, you stupid headache, hold me back". I can allow myself to be "weak" so I can figure out what I need to do to use my strength.
Of course, I wish I had managed to find a good lifestyle and good friends when I first moved to Bergen. And of course, I wish I didn't have a stroke. But when the situation has become like it is, maybe, after all,
this will do me nothing but good.
It's so hard to be someone who feels so strong somewhere deep inside, yet have this carpet of weakness covering it. It's so hard to not be able to show people my strength and not give what I've got to give. To fall far behind my own goals and plans.
God, it hurt sometimes, But if nothing else, I am darn lucky for surviving a stroke and getting a chance to change!
I am strong, I've got guts, I'm independent, I dream big, I am kind, I like hard work, I know a lot, and I love using what I know….. And I am crossing every finger I have that I will be able to use all that sooner or later.
(PS: Maybe life is more about getting it rolling then the actual roll.)