I've shared a lot of music lately. Now I'd like to share a little bit about what's really going on in my life + some exciting news.
March 12th I moved back home.
I want to say that it was due to corona. But as you may know from things I've shared earlier, my health is not in its prime these days. I've had two stokes this spring and have felt quite bad both before and after this. I spent a few weeks at the hospital in April/May, and I'm still waiting to figure out what's actually going on in my body. Most of the spring has been spent at home, doing what I call "nothing".
Nothing means that I'm doing a lot… but that nothing of what I do is planned or paid or career/future-related, so to say. I work in the yard. Spend time with family. Swim. Take walks. Chat with my veggies…and living a pretty good countryside life.
Last weekend I told a friend about the strokes and his reaction first what this:
At first, I was like "Æææ...?", but then I realized that he was just reading my mind… This is what I mean:
You might remember that I shared a blog post in January. I wrote about the pressure and negativity you might meet when you are sick in ways no one can see with the eye. At that point, I still didn't know what was going on and I used words like anxiety and depression to explain it. I do not like those words, and to be honest, I didn't feel like those illnesses were what's going on either, but I had no other answers.
I have felt sick in ways I can't explain for so many years. But every test I've taken show perfect results. My sight, my hearing, my blood; couldn’t be better. Yet, I couldn't stop wondering
"Is this simply how it feels to be alive? Is this lack of energy just laziness? Is the pain in my heart just imagination? It the headache just stress? Am I crazy?"
Yes, at some point I truly believed that I was simply getting crazy…and it scared me. Like hell.
But then the stroke happened. That scared me too…but…what a relief.
Finally, I had a specific illness to show to. A physical change in my head which can be seen on a paper. For once I could allow myself to be sick. And "maybe... I'm not crazy after all?"
Corona came as a gift and gave me a chance to take it slow without feeling like I was missing out. I ignored social media and live streams as well as I could. I went to Felleskjøpet and bought my self the iconic farmer-T-shit and caps and started a quite different life.
It's 3 months later...
Although I've spent, so to say, every day inside the fence of our yard, so much has happened. Many thoughts and many lessons. I have tried and failed and tried again to change the way I look at life. I try to accept the unexpected, and most of all to attract and welcome positive energy and thoughts. Slowly I'm starting to see good things happening. Some perspectives has shifted inside me and making me see the world in just a little bit different way. Yes, it's hard to be sick. It's hard to be an adult doesn't have the economy or health to be on her own. It's hard to not play as much music as I truly want... But the more I manage to trust time and beileve in positivity, the more everything makes sense.
Now, this leads me to those exciting news…
I will NOT move back to Bergen. This situation has given me a chance to follow another dream of mine, something I've thought about for years. Something I knew I would have to do at some point. Something which aligns 100% with my values and my ultimate goal and dream for my own life…And that is….
I am starting farming/gardening-school this fall!!!!!!
I am nervous and excited.... It's a two year-part-time and seminar-based school. It will allow me to live at home, travel to Ulvik for the seminars, and drive to Bergen for musicianship and concerts. My main goal is not so much to learn, but to understand.
I want to understand the language of nature; What the plants are trying to tell me when their leaves are turning yellow. What the tree needs when they don’t give fruit. What the soil needs to become of good quality. And so on.
I am nervous because it's the first time in years I sacrifice music to do something else I enjoy. But honestly, I have sacrificed SO much for the music, so it's only about time for a little pay-back. Music doesn’t necessarily require anyone to sacrifice, but my bad priority-skills have made me put on hold other things that matter to me. Like friendship. Nature-time. Family-time. Hobbies……
Since I started doing music I have had a dream
to be a part-time farmer who lives sustainably on the countryside meanwhile doing music. Both farming and musicianship are things "you can not live off" (according to the people who not know nothing…. )
I strongly believe that I can, and I'm really happy for myself that I'm finally taking a step towards that dream…..
I've never liked the phrase "follow your dreams". It doesn't really hold a lot of meaning. But for me, if I change the word dream with value. Follow your values. It makes much more sense and makes it easier to listen to. Doing music is a dream, I guess, and I wouldn't mind becoming someone people know. But green living and sustainability is something I truly stand for.
I know that I need to keep that a priority in order for anything else to have value too….
AND PS: Don’t worry, I won't stop doing music. My new EP has been out for two weeks now, and I have already started recording demos for my next album. I have a pile of half-written songs which I hope to finish this fall and get recorded somehow:)