Here comes a train of thoughts in 4 parts. Part 1: Burnout. A one word-cliché. Used to describe a condition you can't truly described. A word used in lack of better words. But if I have ever been a flame, burned out is indeed what I am right now. I've been burning for a long time, kept blowing air into what was left of guts, passion, and excitement… but the ash can only keep warm so long. And now I've given in. I'm not burning. I'm letting myself be cold ash, for a little bit.
It feels like giving up life and getting life back at the same time.
For two year I've hated music. I "hate" the word "hate". But that is the word which disappointment has kept yelling to me from the back of my head. I've kept singing and "living my dream", as people told me, while what I felt was disgust. I felt full. There weren't more room in my musical stomach for more music, but I kept "easting and eating".
One day about two mouths ago, I was driving through a tunnel on the way into town. Suddenly my chest felt extremely warm and out of air. It felt small and weak. I tried to control my breath but it accelerated. I could barely feel my feet which got more and more numb. The cars around me was spinning. The tunnel-view closed in even more. "I'm fainting". But I didn't. I couldn’t. I kept my eyes on the road, trusted my feet which I couldn’t feel, trusted my breath which was seeking for air.
I made it to the parking-lot. My hands where shaking and wet of tears as I pulled up my phone and called my mum. That wordless conversation, me crying into the phone and my mum virally sending her love from the other side, is the best cry I've had in a long time.
I have thought that panic-attacks are a "unique" condition only a few destined people are 'lucky' to experience, and few can identify with.
Thus, at first I kept it secret and found excuses for why I had to cancel my shows, coffee-dates, and family-dinners. But lying about how I'm doing has never been anything I'm particularly good at. So I opened up for a few people and was surprised to find that most everyone I talked to could relate. It made me feel less crazy….but I'm also shocked and sad on behalf of people….
I had no choice. I could not keep going. This was my chance to lift my dirty life up in the light, look at it, wipe off the dust, analyze it, touch it, talk to it….and figure out what it needs. How come it be that the life I want to live is the life I don't dare to approach? I've known for about 10 years who I want to be and what I want to do, but I have not taken one step closer…. Music? Yes, that's part of what I want, but not if I have to sacrifice life itself. It turns out that music has been standing in the way of life, health, and happiness for a long time. It's time for a change. I'm a songwriter. I need to make the story I want people to hear.
I'm back home now. I'm on a "music break". My entire body shake of frustration if I pay to much attention to it. On the other side, it's wonderful. For once, I have an excuse to do nothing. I'm allowed to allow myself to stare at nothing.
I'm learning a lot and it's leading to writing, analysis, and thoughts which I would love to share. This is the truth about what's up and part one of many more thoughtful blogposts to come the next few weeks.
Your life, choices, and lessons is yours to solve. But here's my perspective of a life, and I hope you may enjoy reading.
Heading flying to US today. I'm scared like hell. But in fact, it couldn't be a better timing. Facing my fears. Bam.
More to come.