It is a strange time, and a difficult time. I have canceled two shows in one week. I feel like I lost my worth. Like I have gold in my hand and threw it away. I hate it. I am absolutely furious at my body. At the same time my body is furious at me. I have not been nice to my mind and soul, and my body is reacting with a game called being sick.
The less I have felt like I wanted to work, the more I forced myself to work, or at least forced myself to think about that I should work. Just the thought of taking a break, having a day off, asking for help, saving ideas for later, having only 10 projects not a million… only the thought made me freak out. I needed to do everything now, cause I needed to be someone, I needed to earn more recognition, I needed more followers, I needed to grow, and I needed to see results so much. I needed to feel like what I do matters…. But naturally, force has been very little productive and has showed to not be the key to success.
I've ran my battery flat. And when it's flat it is flat. I cry as I write cause I'm so confused. But I know the only way to out of this is to recharge. I don't want to charge. I want to do the things I want to want to do, and I want to be the dream I have in my head. But I cant, not right now.
I'm still figuring out how to charge, while still keep my drive and hunger for music alive. I try to listen to inspiring podcasts and calming radio-shows. I write lists of goals and list of "not-goals". What can I do? What shall I not do?
It feels good to write and share my thoughts. Not cause I need you to feel bad for me. In fact, you should feel happy for me Honestly, I feel a sense of pride for being able to recognize that I need to lower some expectations and retune myself. However, I never felt like I worked too much or too hard. I've never been a hard worker. But I guess I have worked wrong. And it has buried my joy and stolen my energy.
Being sick is complex. You can see me hike mountains, swim in ice-water, travel, release a song… but other things, like performing, I might not be able to do. Maybe. I don’t' know yet. But I'm smiling now as I am seeking for the balance. Cause I know I will find it, somehow.
So will you, if it's something you're looking for!